Starting well All parents hope their children will settle happily into nursery school. Here Ruth Rowe answers some common questions.

Q: How can I prepare my daughter for starting school?

A: First visit the school in your own. It may seem like a good idea to include your child but visits to several schools are confusing and upsetting to small children and you will be better able to concentrate and observe alone. Then visit the school together on an induction day and talk about what you saw together in a relaxed way afterwards. Whenever the subject crops up, chat about the children you saw, what they were doing, when they had their drink and biscuit, where they went out to play. The child who understands the structure of a morning at school is much better equipped than the one thrown in at the deep end.

Try to make contact with another child starting school at the same time and invite him home to play. One recognisable face can mean a great deal to a new child.

If you have cared for your child exclusively, arrange short separations, leaving her with a trusted friend or grandparent; make sure they will be enjoyable and always say goodbye and be back promptly. She will learn that separations are for a finite time and always end happily.

Arm her with social graces that enable her to make friends but also with practical information. These are the coat pegs where she will hang her coat and beg; this is the book corner where she can sit quietly if she wants. She should be made to feel that her classroom is not just a roomful of strangers and unfamiliar equipment but a place lovingly prepared for her use.

Dress her in easy comfortable clothes, like T shirts, track suits and Velcro trainers, which she can manage herself. Consult her about her packed lunch, if she is to stay all day, and make that manageable too.

Q: My son is so attached to his grubby old piece of blanket I am sure he will want to take it to school. Should I try to wean him of it now he is growing up?

A: Growing up happens gradually, not on the day you are first separated from your mum for whole mornings at a time. Wash the blanket, if that's allowed, and put it cheerfully in his bag and ask him to choose a favourite cuddly toy and book to go along with it. He will feel he is being allowed to exercise control over his new situation and that precious links between school and home are permissible and encouraged. One day soon he will decide to leave his blanket at home because it gets in the way.

Q: My daughter was so excited about her new school and sailed in on the first few mornings. Now it's Monday and she refuses point blank to go. She says she's "tired of it."

A: Not tired of it so much as just plain tired. However much a child is prepared for what goes on at nursery school the sheer amount of time it takes can come as a surprise. New routines are often exhausting. She may also be missing some of the cosier aspects of life at home so try to make time in the morning for a cuddle in bed with a story and a leisurely breakfast. Don't bombard her with questions about school when she comes home; let her sleep or just flop around and relax for a bit and keep extras like swimming and dancing on hold in these early days.

If Monday mornings are a scramble spend time on Sunday choosing something to take to school - a flower that has opened in the garden; a postcard from Grandma; a story she would like to share with her new friends.

Q: My son is very shy with strangers and I worry that he won't ask if he needs something at school. He's toilet trained at home but often has accidents in other people's homes.

A: Give this little boy plenty of time to get to know his surroundings, perhaps with extra visits before he starts school and slow, careful familiarisation with the layout of the classroom each morning. On his first day go with him ti the directress and ask together where the lavatories are. Go there together noting landmarks Alan the way. Share your concern with the directress and tell her and your little boy that there are extra trousers and pants in his bag just in case he has an accident. Having his own clothes to put on is reassuring.

Q: I stayed with my son at school for the first few days and gradually took my leave but he still screams the place down when I go. He is fine once I have gone but it makes me upset to leave him in such a state and we are both apprehensive when we get ready in the mornings.

A: Like many children, this little boy finds the moment of parting hardest to bear. Avoid the build up of tension by chatting to him on the way to school about dull things you will be doing while he is away (exaggerate the dreariness), the nice lunch you will make together and your plans for the afternoon. Talk about one or two enticing things at nursery school and the first thing he might like to do; if he mentions something, make sure his ideas are passed on to the directress do she can get him started swiftly. Don't be afraid to talk about his tears and fears - acknowledging that you both feel a bit sad to say goodbye but you can both be brave and try not to cry.

Q: I feel I should be allowed to stay with my daughter of the first week while she gets used to her nursery but the school discourages it. Who is right?

A: Schools differ on this so it is best to discuss the subject with staff at the outset. Some will allow mothers to sit in on the first few days as long as they are prepared to keep a low profile. The aim is to get children settled into an environment which will not include mothers so you may be asked to sit in an adjoining room or make small excursions to the shops or even stay outside in the car, while your child gets used to the idea that you are close at hand for the time being but only if needed.

You will almost certainly have been given the chance to see the school earlier on and should be kept well informed about the work of the classroom and the principles of Montessori education. Delightful as watching is, mothers have to accept their presence is superfluous and can be an intrusion, if they overstay their welcome.